So I was doing some thinking…and being this far away from everything has given me such a good, clean view. I realize that most of the people I was talking to during Winter and Spring quarter are actually quite boring…and I don’t want any of them. There are a couple exceptions, of course, but for the most part, I want someone who is creative and multi-dimensional…someone who can talk about anything and everything. Someone talented who can teach me some things. Some of the guys that I was talking to or ever had anything with, well, they are intelligent, good-looking, educated, experienced, kind people (and all older and not at my school—I considered that imperative this time around), but most of them just kind of exposed one dimension of themselves and stuck it there. A couple of them surprised me bc I never knew they were interested in me like that after years of knowing each other and I never saw them in that way before, so I was surprised to find that they saw me in that way.
Well, I was in my current phase of, “you know what, it’s my last year in college and I might as well be open to giving some people chances” and I had a lot in common with a lot of people, but some people blew it. They were either not straightforward enough and full of bs and laggy or too possessive from the very beginning…or just too confused themselves…or busy, like me.
Actually, one of them was WAY too possessive from the get-go (Taurus, go figure); one was straightforward but not ballsy enough to make any sort of move and I was in my new mode of not making the first move bc I usually do since I’m so blunt, so it just kinda died there. A few older guys I talked to were like, 30 and felt the clock ticking away and kept saying that they wanted to marry me, and uh, we didn’t even go out on dates yet so…um, yeah. That definitely scared me away.
An old friend finally let me know that he wanted to take me out but actually finalizing a date never took place and then I just got kind of busy and that was it. He’s a pretty cool person, too, so that would have been nice but, que sera, sera I suppose.
Another one I finally hung out with for the first time as just the 2 of us in years and he said those 3 words to me which totally caught me off-guard cuz 1. We’ve never hung out before, not even just the 2 of us as friends; and 2. I just never saw that coming, esp. from him…ever. At first, I thought, maybe he’s just excited and it slipped out accidentally and he doesn’t really mean it like that. Then, he looks at me seriously 5 minutes later and says it again, louder, and I didn’t know what to say cuz my ex-boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks before that and this was also the first time this guy and I have ever hung out so I just smile, which makes him smile. Anyway, this guy fell out of the picture cuz we texted a bit back and forth, but nothing materialized and he was pretty flaky and if someone is flaky, I just take it as B.S. bc I'm like, well, if they'd want to talk to me or hang out with me, then they would. How else am I supposed to know if they don't text back and stuff?
ex: I texted this same person a couple months later about something (since you'll read some lines below about how he basically was forward about hanging out again) and I just happened to see him in person at an event later that night and he told me he got my text and was super receptive and happy to see me...well, case in point, how am I supposed to know that everything is peachy and he got my text if he doesn't ever respond back? Ya know?
Anyway, I was a little disappointed cuz I was just hopeful that older guys would be more mature about things and more open to talking and stuff, and esp. since we’ve known each other for some years, we’d at least talk or text more. Basically, he fell out of the pic and I was like, eh whatevs we’re still cool and kinda DGAFED and didn’t think much about it…then we keep running into each other randomly at the most random events and I still think nothing of it bc well, if he wanted to talk to me, then he would so I usually just say hi and bye and that’s really it. Then, 3 months after the 1st (two) time(s) that he said i love you, he basically got drunk and surprised me by letting it out again when we got a chance to hang out at a big event with everyone we knew. I was like, “What??” this time and he switched the subject. Then, that was basically it again and then I graduated and left the country! I honestly don’t expect anything when I get back though, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to just reject possible hangouts with him because I really don’t think they’re going to amount to anything…I mean, so far they haven’t.
I can write about it because none of them were undergrads at UCI, so whoopi! Well, I had fun in general talking to all these people. At least, my phone did (old and new), because I was always talking to someone, so the potential to go out and stuff was always there but I honestly never really did as much as people think I did only because I was genuinely soooooo, soooo busy with school and my activities and everything. Especially with Songfest and focusing on graduating, the only free time I had in my schedule were those awkward 1-2 hour gaps in between classes…then I’d pretty much be busy straight from 7AM-3AM…go to sleep maybe around 4 or 5AM…sometimes 6AM…get up at 7 or 8 AM depending on when I went to bed. So yeah, I’d basically ALWAYS be talking to somebody, but I never had time to see any of it through (so I’m sorry to those people). Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s not that I meant to blow any of those people on hanging out off, I just really couldn’t see a time to make it work in between everything I had going on. But anyway, the people that I did talk to, I now can look in retrospect at it all since I’m far away and see that while I have a lot in common with each of those people…they aren’t “right” for me, and 2 of my biggest pet peeves are 1. Phoniness and 2. Using people and I refuse to do either. Pride is also something from which I suffer, but it’s not a pet peeve…it’s just something I acknowledge that is both good and bad and can make me reject or convince myself to reject the things that I actually really want deep down. Anyway, so I never want to be one of those phony people and refuse to be so. I also never want to use people like that either.
I guess it’s because I have too much pride that I can’t be one of those girls that uses a guy or pretends to be soooo into a guy just to get things from him or just so she will not be lonely and just uses that guy to leapfrog over to the next target. I’m actually quite content in my solitude. I never feel lonely because there is so much going on in my life and I have the most amazing people in it, and I am definitely totally fine without a guy, but at the same time, I have to be open to the idea that there is someone who can match my complexity. So I’ve tried talking to these guys this last year, and I can’t lie to myself: they just aren’t for me.
If you know me, you know my complex and individual fashion sense. I wear what I wear when I feel like it, and people that scoff can do so because it wouldn’t deter me from being proud about expressing who I am. I want someone who would appreciate my very self-determinant sense of style. You know the whole partner in crime notion? That. Someone who would make silly videos with me and encourage me to push boundaries in art…like someone who would be down to do a sarcastic and witty web series with a tongue-in-cheek approach towards pop culture or Americanism or something taboo like that. And if they are too shy to be in front of the camera like that, then at least really supportive of my fun, playful, free-spiritedness. Maybe it’s because I’m well traveled, but I want a guy who is at least knowledgeable about the world and knows that there is a difference in dress for different occasions and places…like, he can’t go to a theatre performance looking like he just came from the beach with a tank, Rainbow sandals, and typical khaki or plaid shorts. Ya know what I mean? Because trust me, there are some guys who definitely do not get that at all. And some of them, I felt, couldn’t be 100% themselves with me. Like, I get that you want to impress me and that’s really nice and I appreciate it, but I also want someone to feel comfortable being themselves around me and just totally honest about who they are and how they feel, because that’s how I am and that’s the only way you’re gonna know who you’re truly compatible with!
I want someone versatile. Someone who could jet-set with me and adapt to any environment…like we can end up on the streets of Paris and the locals wouldn’t be able to tell right off the bat that we came from So Cal from the way we’re dressed. I guess the good thing about living by unusual hours (like officially calling it a night at 3 AM at the earliest and waking up 3 or 4 hours later for a jam-packed, non-stop day and basically being used to running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night, every night) is that not very many people chose to live that way, so it should be easier to be able to tell who has a similar schedule to mine, right? Ah, but then it also means that we’d both be too busy for each other, so there is the labyrinth. I’ve never been a normal person or lived an average life, so I wouldn’t expect my path to a relationship to be “normal” or “average” either, nor would I expect the relationship that I enter into (should I chose to stop being so independent) to be “normal” or “average,” too.
Because I’m such an atypical girl, I need an atypical guy who can match me on all levels…and from wanting to stay different and keep my “uniqueness,” I constantly try to evolve on different levels, which makes it difficult to find someone who would then match me because I’m always trying to not match anyone else…you see? So anyway, the atypical guy has not surfaced yet. There have been a couple who came close, until I found them unable to speak their minds or man-up and talk to me in person about stuff. I guess from me being so different, it should help me narrow down my prospects, non? They don’t have to be exactly the same as me, because that’s not interesting (or maybe two Jackys, a female and male version would be? lol); they don’t have to like the same music as me, but at least being open to doing things like going to a Jazz Café if they don’t like jazz, going to EDC with all my friends even if they don’t like electro or techno, being down to see a slam poetry reading or local rock bands play even if that’s not their thing. Basically, someone ambitious and worldly who wants to constantly evolve themselves as much as I do. Now all I need is the time to actually get to hang out with these people. Now that I’m out of school, I think I could do that lol.
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